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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sitting in the Mix Studio...

compiling some of my thoughts.
Feeling a dull balance of anxious and pensive emotions.
There's a lot of things causing this, one main reason is an abstract thing called the future. every time I feel I have acquired a little space between myself and it's overwhelming grip, I slip unnoticeable back into worrying about things I have no real control over. I understand that this is part of our human condition and that if my Ego is not kept in check it will get stuck in a feedback loop of defending and protecting itself much to my emotional dismay. I get it, I understand it, but I still have to let it happen. It's like knowing I am a male and a biological animal with desires, (and mostly finding that part comical) but knowing it does not prevent it from being the case, understanding it doesn't simply control it.
After so many years walking around in a certain way, it is not easy to walk to another rhythm even when you know it's a healthier beat to walk to. My past darkness (ignorance/naivety/social conditioning) has an inertia which means I have to be very conscious (or work harder to let go of my minds grip) to remain in the light. Mildly frustrating, annoyingly constant.
Check out this for a irony - I hope one day it will be easier for me to live effortlessly in the current moment. Har Har -my usual contradiction.
I have recently been jolted by a booked called the long emergency, which is definitely an eye opener, and I feel myself trying to protect my sanity by claiming "it can't be true, and It's just paranoia" and then I realise of course I would say that. This I know is my conscious defensive survival instinct. But aside from 'how I don't want to believe what I am reading or my taking the easier path of denial', the Shadow remains over the uncertain future.
A hollow kind of gut shadow.
I wonder how much I should allow this information to dictate my choices and decisions. Also, why should I apply cautionary predictions when what my eyes currently see around me isn't really echoing the warnings.
I think you'd have to read the book in question to really understand what I mean, I am not even going to attempt to summarise the substance of the book because I would do such a bad job.

I'm sure I know what I am going to do.
What I am always guilty of doing.
I will pretend to be letting the information sink in, where in fact I will let the information drain out of me and I will slip silently back into ignorance and complacency.
As usual. Sad.

Maybe I can paint some images now while I am feeling overwhelmed, as a testament that I was here. I really don't know why it should matter though, It's not like I have ever looked back at my previous work and felt like I did when I painted it.
I feel like I am impotent to a positive future outlook. I know that I am a humanist and get very affected by suffering and feel the pulse of humanity beat strong when we are in conflict with each other and our environment, but this time it weakens me. Drains me. When I cannot see much point in the future, my now is very affected. Like I am a dog that realises the futility of chasing it's tail, but as much as I tire, laying down and quitting is equally as pathetic.
Stuck in the middle.
self obsessed pity.

Here's another thing....
I ask myself how could I choose responsibly to bring a child into a world that holds a very limited future for them which has been created by our own selfishness and short term glory.
Turn a blind eye to it and rely on instinct? wouldn't that be ignorance?
I mean, maybe one can justify it by taking what one can get right now and f*ck the future, but isn't that exactly why we find ourselves faced by such bleakness.
It seems unbelievable that most people find it so unbelievable,but then of course I realise most people are just scared and are not likely to pay any attention to anything that jeopardizes their luxuries.
It baffles me that since people would do anything to protect the lives of their children, (I constantly hear people say they would give their lives for the lives of their offspring) but yet when the sirens are blatantly screaming as they are now, people ignore the warning...and carry on like nothing is wrong. I mean if you would do anything for the safely of your child..Heed the warnings! put some effort into getting yourself, your children and family and friends informed. It makes no sense to avoid leaning on the side of caution.
Picture this : A responsible parent with a child passes a dog who's hackles are up and you hear faint murmuring of a growl and could be dangerous, would avoid the dog, walk around him to protect their child, correct?
Let's just say that there are respectable people in the scientific and ecological communities telling us that there are problems and things we are doing are hurting their future chances of survival, even if they were just Murmurs with no real evidence of it actually happening, for the sake of their Children a responsible Parent would take measures to protect their children's future, right???
Yet, how come we see ignorance all around us when the signs are more than murmurs!
If there is a chance that there is danger for your child in a particular situation, even if it is a small chance, you would surely bank on the side of caution and avoid it right? So what is the different with regards to the economical and environmental dangers? (which would effect you child even more acutely than yourself due to its nature)

I know I have had it really good in my lifetime, I have very rarely been left wanting, I have always been afforded care, food and shelter, with endless luxuries. I realise I/we have lived in the most prosperous time of humanity, and I am no longer deluded to the fact that it cannot be sustained. The idea of progress without end is just nonsense, accelerated entropy = complete exhaustion.
We have all been irresponsible Kings and we have ignored the damage we have done to our Kingdom. All the golden crowns in the world will not stop a desperate hungry man with a gun.

"When things seem like they are too good to be true, it usually means they are."
(quote Michael Richard Lewis-27th April 2009)


Christy said...

One thing that comes across to me reading your blogs is you obviously think long and hard about life....I'm guessing your blogs are a form of therapy? I often find it helps to put my thoughts, worries and opinions down on paper too, it kinda clears my head. I understand the whole 'bringing a child into this world' thing. I questioned that myself 19 yrs ago but then my daughter has thankfully grown into a very healthy, well adjusted, intellegent 18yr old. I think its all down to your attitude to life how you yourself guide them through it. The world will never be a safe place, there always has been and always will be some sorta challenge or threat to any future generation, we can only hope with the right sort of education our kids will grow to respect the planet, the environment and each other. You might question the whole kids thing but you will honestly never regret it. One thing I will say is to look to the positive rather than the negative a bit more, you seem to worry too much and be over critical of yourself. Keep the blogs coming should have a newspaper or mag column, very thought provoking! Mega love! xxxx

Maria said...

hi jamie!! this is maria (aka Khubsoorat) from twitter...powerful blog as always. you speak from your heart and your mind..and you said inertia, i dont think ive ever heard a rockstar say intertia in a sentence hi 5 to that. your ending quotes though (as usual...ask anyone, haha), remind me of a song by one of my favorite artists...matthew good. (canadian not canadian, but his music is truly phenomenal and speaks on so many levels, like what you, i, or anyone could be thinking..and its said in a song)
here are some links..and yayy i can write more than 140 characters! :)
i really hope you can listen, id love your opinion (even if you dont like i tell everyone, when it comes to you guys, matt good, butch walker..all faves of have to be a TROOPER to tolerate aint no walk in the park sometimes!)
first song: AVALANCHE
'this key is to your kingdom/this key is to your heart/neither one a doorway/but both of them a one foot in front of the other...' esp. the part half way through about buying and selling just is beautiful (to me, at least).
2nd song...21st century living..kind of funny, but accurate in a lot of ways.
i hope you are all well and doing things that are making you for today. and its completely normal to think about the future and be apprehensive about it. but the more we think, the more we worry..the important thing is, is to believe in yourself and always have a clear heart and mind. and have positivity and warm thoughts...the future will decide who you are and what youve been, but the present will decide who you are now and who you are to become.
~*always remember your magic*~

Annie said...

do you feel safe in this world?
don't you think parenthood is about teaching your child to face life and its dangers? imagine it grows up in fear of dangers.. what's a childhood without knowing that nothing can harm you? so just give them love and shelter and make sure it feels save, otherwise it will freak out everytime it sees a dog. as if every dog is dangerous..
i think the thing about parenthood is to teach the kid how to recognize danger and make sure he/she gets that instinct..
protecting all the time is pathetic! there are parents who install cameras in their houses and watch their kids 24/7. thats just stupid!
you just need to know what level of protection is needed and when it is the right time to just let the kid explore the world by itself..

(there is a possibility that i have no idea about what you're actually worried about.. i just posted my thoughts, "wisedom" and experiences. since i was a child not that long ago, i guess i know better how much protection is needed and when it becomes a limit..)

oh and by the way.. chill your boots! there are millions of parents who did or still do a great job raising their kids. why should you be an exception? you know what, i think when the time comes you'll know what to do cause it's in your blood.

not every dog is dangerous.

hope you find your answers.. ask your mom! she knows ;)


elinette said...

"I will pretend to be letting the information sink in, where in fact I will let the information drain out of me and I will slip silently back into ignorance and complacency."

For me it feels like it's happening all the time. And I'm not doing anything to prevent it.
Very sad indeed:(

I really liked Mike's quote. And you've written a very good post. Very dark, but also very worth considering.


jac said...

u seem to be a worrier

+BRI said...

I think there is a fine line between 'letting it sink in' and letting it control or suffocate you. I dont know as I havnt read the book. But you have to take a deep breath and roll with it and try not to let it drag you down because there isnt much else we can do aside make the best of whats thrown at us.
Thing is, the world has always gone through changes. We are influancing the climate, sure, but long before humans started crawling about there were ice ages, natural diastaers and ages of extreme heat and weather.
Do you resent your parents, or consider them irresponsible for bringing you into this world ? I bet you dont. So why should it be any different for the next generation ? I think youre putting an unessesary burden on your own sholders. Like Christy said, the world is a dangerous place. Always has been. Its all chance that the next 100 or so years could be the end, and you cant know whats going to happen for sure. So weighing up whether its worth it or not is fruitless.
Im not saying that this contemplation is a negative thing by a long shot, I think your blogs and your stream of consciousness are admirable and deeply thought provoking. You just need to give yourself a break every now and then and not let it all weigh you down.

Love Ruth.

Jamie said...

Like I say, it's is pretty hard to explain unless you've read the book. I totally understand what most are saying but this talk of cycles....there was a reason behind every rise and fall and rise again in our recent history to lead us to believe that the cycle is constant and that our determination and believe will see us through...
This time is clearly very different. I'm sorry to be vague, you'll have to do your own research and arrive at your own conclusions. As much as I resent encouraging this, maybe 'The Long Emergency' book is as good a place to start for anyone who cares.

Jamie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie said...

*belief...not believe. I am so bad at spelling and grammar!

Annie said...

stop pulling yourself down all the time! what did you do with the "i'm so lucky because everything in my life went well and i have a wife and wonderfull parents and friends and a band and i can paint without starving and i live in the city of angels and everything is just great!!"-jamie ?
you better go and find him again or i'll feel forced to write a extremly long blog saying how fascinating, inspiring and wonderfull you are..

chill! it's spring, the time where everyone should be carefree and enjoying the atmosphere. cause there are miracels in this world! forgot that huh?

feel lovely hugged! <3

Sandy said...

Great blog! What do we do when we have a powerful sense of injustice but we realise that most of us individuals are limited in how we can make a difference? The politicians who could made change on a large scale, rarely do and this won’t change until us individuals make it the way for them to get elected. In the meantime those of us who care recycle and reduce our carbon footprints etc all we can, hoping there will be enough of us to make a difference.

I love my children more than words can say and really would do anything to keep them safe, when I read about earthquakes, starvation, melting ice caps, Gaza, Frizel, Baby 'P' (I don't know if the last 2 reached the US, if not don't google them unless you are feeling really strong) etc, I do really fear for the world I have brought them into.

Protecting our young from the mistakes of previous generations is much harder than protecting them from the dangers right in front of them, but I never regret having them. It doesn't help them for me to be all doom and gloom. My husband and I want to bring them up with a strong sense of right and wrong and of compassion for people, animals and our environment, and also to stand up for what they believe in. We need to lead by example and I believe to do so with the positivity, because humans are capable of amazing things and despite all the mistakes the world is still a wonderful place.

You have mentioned having kids in your blogs etc from time to time. I would ask yourself, if you and your wife look back in 20 years time, do you think you would regret it if you didn’t have children? Love, Sandy.

+BRI said...

"As much as I resent encouraging this, maybe 'The Long Emergency' book is as good a place to start for anyone who cares."

That is the single most ominous sentance I think ive ever read. haha.
Im definatly interested, intreguied and a little cautious. Maybe i'll give the book a go over summer when I have minimal work to do, then if it breaks my heart it wont get in the way of anything.

Emily said...

Having children is the most selfish act we can do, as we only ever do it for ourselves (I know there are exceptions!). However, as a parent, you have to be totally selfless. Your whole life suddenly revolves around somebody else, and you (and partner) are soley responsible. I don't know if I'll be able to have kids (well I suppose none of us do, unless we try), as I may have a problem, but I know my fiancee and I will do everything we can to be parents. I want to do it because I know I'd be good at it (and I'm selfish by nature!!). You can only have kids when you know you want them and know you could handle it. If you find that place, you'll know.

Audrey said...

you know, I think we all feel the same way about the future and stuff. Maybe that's why we/you/I can't live our/your/my life like, "live the moment while it's here" or something.

We're all too busy thinking of what the future will be and there's nothing good about it. It really freaks me out.
i'm afraid of what's going to happen in the next couple of decades. I'm afraid of what happened in the past as well. For the last couple of centuries it's been nothing but wars, diseases... So maybe today's world isn't that bad. Ok, some things are really messed up, but eh, it's always been that way. Some people have tried for years to warn us about the global warning and all, still we just closed our eyes, or pretended not to hear it.
Though a few people have tried to make things change, but they're only a few. People are to busy with theirselves, they don't care about helping one another. So what's the point really?
People won't ever change.

Maybe that's why I'm actually living in the past. I'm way too disappointed with people's selfishness that I keep on living in my own regrets.

I might say all those things cause i'm turning 21 next week, and it's like I was aware about new things somehow.

(have you seen all those videos about the end of the world, happening on december the 21st, 2012? creepy)

dan said...

i think just chill out - "it's only life"

that way of thinking may end up causing me a lot of problems, but at the moment it feels good.

Ms Annie said...

hi there, annie here.
how's life doing? still struggling?

Yukikinjo said...

Hello mr. jamie !!! ^ ^

I am a lostprophets fan! When you release the next album can you please come back to singapore with the band ??? i Was not able to attend singfest last year, now i regret it so much ): when will you guys come back? i will be going back to japan in 2 years, please come soon, all of us miss you! ^.^

xx yuki