compiling some of my thoughts.
Feeling a dull balance of anxious and pensive emotions.
There's a lot of things causing this, one main reason is an abstract thing called the future. every time I feel I have acquired a little space between myself and it's overwhelming grip, I slip unnoticeable back into worrying about things I have no real control over. I understand that this is part of our human condition and that if my Ego is not kept in check it will get stuck in a feedback loop of defending and protecting itself much to my emotional dismay. I get it, I understand it, but I still have to let it happen. It's like knowing I am a male and a biological animal with desires, (and mostly finding that part comical) but knowing it does not prevent it from being the case, understanding it doesn't simply control it.
After so many years walking around in a certain way, it is not easy to walk to another rhythm even when you know it's a healthier beat to walk to. My past darkness (ignorance/naivety/social conditioning) has an inertia which means I have to be very conscious (or work harder to let go of my minds grip) to remain in the light. Mildly frustrating, annoyingly constant.
Check out this for a irony - I hope one day it will be easier for me to live effortlessly in the current moment. Har Har -my usual contradiction.
I have recently been jolted by a booked called the long emergency, which is definitely an eye opener, and I feel myself trying to protect my sanity by claiming "it can't be true, and It's just paranoia" and then I realise of course I would say that. This I know is my conscious defensive survival instinct. But aside from 'how I don't want to believe what I am reading or my taking the easier path of denial', the Shadow remains over the uncertain future.
A hollow kind of gut shadow.
I wonder how much I should allow this information to dictate my choices and decisions. Also, why should I apply cautionary predictions when what my eyes currently see around me isn't really echoing the warnings.
I think you'd have to read the book in question to really understand what I mean, I am not even going to attempt to summarise the substance of the book because I would do such a bad job.
I'm sure I know what I am going to do.
What I am always guilty of doing.
I will pretend to be letting the information sink in, where in fact I will let the information drain out of me and I will slip silently back into ignorance and complacency.
As usual. Sad.
Maybe I can paint some images now while I am feeling overwhelmed, as a testament that I was here. I really don't know why it should matter though, It's not like I have ever looked back at my previous work and felt like I did when I painted it.
I feel like I am impotent to a positive future outlook. I know that I am a humanist and get very affected by suffering and feel the pulse of humanity beat strong when we are in conflict with each other and our environment, but this time it weakens me. Drains me. When I cannot see much point in the future, my now is very affected. Like I am a dog that realises the futility of chasing it's tail, but as much as I tire, laying down and quitting is equally as pathetic.
Stuck in the middle.
self obsessed pity.
Here's another thing....
I ask myself how could I choose responsibly to bring a child into a world that holds a very limited future for them which has been created by our own selfishness and short term glory.
Turn a blind eye to it and rely on instinct? wouldn't that be ignorance?
I mean, maybe one can justify it by taking what one can get right now and f*ck the future, but isn't that exactly why we find ourselves faced by such bleakness.
It seems unbelievable that most people find it so unbelievable,but then of course I realise most people are just scared and are not likely to pay any attention to anything that jeopardizes their luxuries.
It baffles me that since people would do anything to protect the lives of their children, (I constantly hear people say they would give their lives for the lives of their offspring) but yet when the sirens are blatantly screaming as they are now, people ignore the warning...and carry on like nothing is wrong. I mean if you would do anything for the safely of your child..Heed the warnings! put some effort into getting yourself, your children and family and friends informed. It makes no sense to avoid leaning on the side of caution.
Picture this : A responsible parent with a child passes a dog who's hackles are up and you hear faint murmuring of a growl and could be dangerous, would avoid the dog, walk around him to protect their child, correct?
Let's just say that there are respectable people in the scientific and ecological communities telling us that there are problems and things we are doing are hurting their future chances of survival, even if they were just Murmurs with no real evidence of it actually happening, for the sake of their Children a responsible Parent would take measures to protect their children's future, right???
Yet, how come we see ignorance all around us when the signs are more than murmurs!
If there is a chance that there is danger for your child in a particular situation, even if it is a small chance, you would surely bank on the side of caution and avoid it right? So what is the different with regards to the economical and environmental dangers? (which would effect you child even more acutely than yourself due to its nature)
I know I have had it really good in my lifetime, I have very rarely been left wanting, I have always been afforded care, food and shelter, with endless luxuries. I realise I/we have lived in the most prosperous time of humanity, and I am no longer deluded to the fact that it cannot be sustained. The idea of progress without end is just nonsense, accelerated entropy = complete exhaustion.
We have all been irresponsible Kings and we have ignored the damage we have done to our Kingdom. All the golden crowns in the world will not stop a desperate hungry man with a gun.
"When things seem like they are too good to be true, it usually means they are."
(quote Michael Richard Lewis-27th April 2009)